UPDATE: DEALER SAM ACCIDENTALLY EMERGES FROM HIBERNATION

Dealer Sam stirred from deep slumber

Dealer Sam accidentally emerged from his annual hibernation cycle last weekend, according to multiple reports. Upon realizing that the 2015 PCHL Season was still months away - and that his beloved Edmonton Oilers are the worst team in the NHL - the Mission Street Dealers' starting catcher groggily stumbled to Berkeley Bowl, where he purchased an entire Chinook salmon. While walking back to his Berkeley cave, he stopped briefly to scratch his back against a tree and was then seen tipping over a dumpster behind a McDonald's to forage for food scraps.

INTRODUCING: AMADO

Amado from Jason Maze on Vimeo.

BEERS ANNOUNCE UNPRECEDENTED FIRE SALE AMIDST FINANCIAL WOES

Former Beers Stu (Left) and Jordan (Right) in their new PCHL digs

The Oakland Beers have announced a stunning fire sale of talent as a result of what a team representative referred to as "major financial woes." The unnamed source elaborated:

It's not all finalized at this point...but let's just say we are going to be a much different squad next year. Things were going fine this season until Beer Gribble convinced a bunch of guys on the team to invest in his new confectionery, Gribble's Nibbles. The whole thing was a sham - your classic pyramid scheme - and he took off to the South Pacific with about 80% of our assets.

On the bright side of all this, the PCHL as a whole is going to get a lot more fashionable with all these Beers moving around the league. And the Beers are very excited about the young talent they've been acquiring, notably Noble "Lil C Murder" Crosby, who we got in exchange for Beer Jamo's arsenal of antique firearms, and Danny Cleaners, who we swapped for Dan Uggla, some bozo we recently picked up on waivers. Unfortunately we had to let go of Keenan "Triple Play" Beers because the Washington Generals put an offer on the table we couldn't refuse, two veteran small forwards and a journeyman point guard. We wish Keenan the best of luck, and we look forward to incorporating these Generals into our own unique culture of winning.

BREAKING: BERKELEY NEWS WIN TITLE

NEWS RAF' IS A GIF FROM THE BASEBALL FASHION GODS

Images courtesy of Wario Beers

BREAKING: STONEHOUSE ACCIDENTALLY TRADED FOR PITCHER OF MICHELADA

It's official: the Oakland Beers have accidentally traded Stonehouse to the L.A. Gamblaz of the Los Angeles Parks & Rec League for a pitcher of michelada. Beers Management held an emergency press conference early Wednesday morning to address the snafu. Jordan Beers read from an official statement:

I am reluctant to confirm that - in fact - the Oakland Beers have traded Stonehouse to the Gamblaz in exchange for a delicious pitcher of michelada. As the manager of this organization, I take full responsibility for this embarrassing situation. With that said, I just want to clarify that the circumstances were very misleading and complicated. I was repeatedly told that we would be getting a former Minor League pitcher by the name of Juan Michelada. They said his career ERA was under 3.00 and that he was a workhorse, they had all these forged documents. They assured me he could easily go nine innings in the PCHL.

When it was time to pull the trigger the Gamblaz' GM says, 'So you send us Stonehouse and we send you One Michelada Pitcher?' And I thought he was talking about Juan Michelada, this flame-throwing, journeyman pitcher, who in fact does not exist. I signed off on the deal and the rest is history, I don't know what else to tell you. We goofed up on this one and that's that.

Although, I guess I should add that the pitcher of michelada was pretty excellent. It had the perfect amount of spice and it was actually quite strong, I definitely got a little buzz going. I made some fish tacos at home and caught up on a few episodes of 'Two and a Half Men,' it was a pretty cool night. You say what you will but that Ashton Kutcher cracks me up!

UPDATE: DEALER SAM RELEASES DEBUT MIXTAPE

Dealer Sam has announced the release of his debut mixtape, "Jock Rock: Volume 1." The PCHL Fashion Icon and Mission Street Dealer has agreed to an undisclosed, multi-record contract with Tommy Boy Records. The sports-and-fashion themed cassette was co-produced by ESPN and will be available nationwide at Blockbuster Video stores. Follow Dealer Sam and his mercurial rise on Instagram.

2015 PCHL SPRING FASHION RUMOR MILL: MISSION STREET DEALERS

The artist relaxes in his studio

Dealer Gomez drifts throughout his expansive Hunter's Point studio, glowing with enthusiasm and eager to discuss his new sculptures. "You know - I have to admit - this whole art thing took me by surprise," the Mission Street Dealers' slugging first baseman humbly remarks. "It all just started as a hobby when I got injured last season. I like to tinker with things, put stuff together. I always have. But I never thought of my work as 'fine art' or whatever. That all changed when John [Berggruen] put me in a group show last September. Gagosian picked me up shortly thereafter, and the next thing you know I'm at documenta doing body shots with John Waters and Steve Martin at 4 in the morning in some Russian oil mogul's super yacht. It's been a real whirlwind this past year but I'm soaking it all up and just trying to stay focused on making strong work."

PCHElle visited the artist in his studio recently to discuss his work, PCHL fashion trends, and the highly anticipated 2015 Dealers Spring Line. Gomez requested that the details of our conversation remain private, but he was willing to confirm rumors about the Dealers' 2015 promotional item that has taken the Northern California amateur baseball fashion blogosphere by storm: the Spoon Bobblehead.

"I'm just happy that I can help the team in some way with my visual art," he said of the effigy. "When team management approached me about commissioning a Dealer bobblehead for opening day, I immediately knew that I would render Spoon. He is a leader in our clubhouse and a real style icon throughout the league, it was a no-brainer."

Gomez used a staff of 15 artist assistants to fabricate the bobblehead dolls, which exist in a limited edition of 1,000. The signed dolls will be given out to the first 1,000 fans in attendance at the Dealers' 2015 Opening Day game. "I feel like I've really captured Spoon's essence with this piece," Gomez continued, "and I just can't wait for Opening Day to release these important works out into the world. Also, I'm really excited to suit up in our new, baby blue alternate uniform. I look amazing in pastels."

"The Spoon Bobblehead," (2014) by Dealer Gomez. Ed. 1,000, mixed media with found objects, 8" x 1" x .75"

NOBLES RENEW CONTRACT WITH BROOKS BROTHERS FOR 2015

The Sunset Nobles have announced the renewal of their contract with Brooks Brothers for the 2015 PCHL Season. The venerable Madison Avenue clothier will continue to manufacture the Nobles' on-the-field garments, and will also be unveiling an exclusive line of Nobles themed formal evening wear. A company representative contacted PCHElle via email, stating, "Brooks Brothers is the industry standard of luxury menswear. Our continued partnership with the Sunset Nobles represents not only their vested interest in classic, conservative, American fashion, but also our fine brand's commitment to working alongside the nation's most exciting and attractive young entrepreneurs. We look forward to outfitting the Nobles as they defend their PCHL League Championship Title in 2015."

SOURCE: 29ERS COMMIT TO SANRIO NECK TATTOOS FOR 2014 PLAYOFF RUN

An unnamed source recently went deep undercover to confirm that - in fact - the San Francisco 29ers have committed to team-wide neck tattoos depicting various Sanrio characters in anticipation of their 2014 PCHL Playoff Run. The mole revealed to PCHElle:

This whole Sanrio-neck-tattoo thing is very real. I bought a couple rounds for 29er Lunchbox [pictured] and asked him about the new Hello Kitty ink on his neck and - sure enough - he said they [29ers] will all be sporting different Sanrio characters in time for the first pitch of the playoffs. For a while it looked like it might not happen because there was some serious drama between him and 29er Rickey. Lunchbox had been openly debating between getting Hello Kitty or Choco Cat and around that time Rickey started acting kind of weird. He asked Lunchbox to go out for drinks to talk and just totally broke down and begged for Choco Cat. Lunchbox wasn't going to budge - apparently his nickname in college was 'Choco Cat' or something - but team management put together an intervention with him and Rickey and they decided that the face of the Sanrio franchise would suffice for Lunchbox."

Rumors are swirling about other player/character pairings, and though none can be confirmed at this time, it should be noted that 29er Ray was recently spotted in a Mission District nightclub sporting a customized Pekkle leather jacket.

CLEANERS & BRIANS DEADLOCKED AT LOOKING AMAZING

Today the Cleaners played the Brians in beautiful downtown San Francisco. In an unforeseen turn of events, the dueling clubs finished the day tied at looking absolutely fantastic !!! Here Cleaner Boof and Brophy Brian exemplify the classic "Late Summer" PCHL look. That carefully manicured air of nonchalance will never go out of style as far as we here at PCHElle are concerned. Both teams played a great aesthetic game out there today and really set the tone for the PCHL Fashion Playoff Hunt, which kicks into High Fashion gear tomorrow.

2015 PCHL SPRING FASHION RUMOR MILL: DALY CITY BRIANS

The 2014 PCHL campaign rolls onward gloriously in vogue, with exciting new trends popping up from all corners of the league and fierce style rivalries developing between full squads and individuals alike. Someday these players will look back at the 2014 season and say to themselves, "Wow, we all looked amazing, those were some really special times and some very unique looks." 

With that said, all of us here at PCHElle are eagerly anticipating the new 2015 Spring Lines from the assorted PCHL squads. Rumors are swirling and there is reason to believe that 2015 will be the most fashion-forward season to date, with each franchise giving their all to establish themselves as the preeminently chic lineup both on and off the diamond.

We begin the discussion with an exclusive report on the Daly City Brians, formidable PCHL trend-setters since 2013. Much can be said of the Brians' ~ Look ~ but it also might be boiled down into something deceptively simple; all-white all the time, the dirtier the better. What happens when you combine the 1919 Chicago Black Sox with Andrew W.K.? You get one of the most consistently On-Trend teams in the history of the PCHL.

When the 2014 Brians reluctantly concluded that they would not be making the playoffs for the second year in a row, they held a private team meeting and mutually agreed to move forward focusing on the core values that bind their franchise: 1. Looking Amazing and 2. Setting New Trends.

PCHElle sources reveal that a splinter group of Brians players (coincidentally members of the distinctly fashionable post-punk quartet, Hafner) recently stepped up to forge a new visual identity for the team. A member of the foursome who asked to remain anonymous told us:

"Things were going great with the band and things were going pretty decent with the ball club...but sometimes you just gotta mix it up and start over, you know? We [Hafner] were playing a bunch of shows and having fun and everything but something just didn't seem right. We wanted to get back to our musical roots, get back in touch with that sort of vibe that initially got us totally piped out on this fresh, magical wave that we call life, you know? So we recently decided to sell all our guitars and just focus on our original band vision, which is Happy Hardcore. We all grew up with the house/EDM/D&B scene that thrived in the greater Bay Area in the mid-90's-early-2000's and that is where our hearts remain, it is the music we want to be playing. Nothing less than 180 BPM, period. So when we started talking about the 2015 Daly City Brians' Spring Line, it was an obvious choice that we go full-on Candy Raver, circa 1998. We really didn't anticipate any objections, it seemed like a total no-brainer. But it didn't go down that easy."

DCB's Style Icons, The 1919 Chicago Black Sox

According to documents, in June of 2014, the faction group of musicians formally motioned to change the name of the organization from the Daly City Brians to the Daly City Candy Flippers. The proposal was immediately met with objections from the team's upstart neoconservative segment, the Daly City Brians Heritage Foundation. A spokesperson for the D.C.B.H.F., Elias Brians, agreed to speak to PCHElle:

"We love Hafner as much as anyone in the league, those guys are like our brothers. Love their tunes, very rock n' roll, very fun stuff. But hey - I'm sorry - we just will not stand for the blatant promotion of illegal activities. The Brians have a lot of friends in law enforcement; we scrimmage with the Daly City Police Department Co-Ed Softball Team four times a year for goodness' sake. So I'm happy to report that we have officially agreed to meet halfway; we are going to keep the official team name, 'The Mighty Daly City Brians,'  intact for next season. However, we have decided to accept the proposed jerseys of the Hafner insurgency, so you can count on seeing us out there in white mesh tank tops and iridescent pearl lamé leggings. A lot of us aren't happy about it but hey, it's a compromise, and ultimately the most important thing is keeping the team spirit alive and well. I personally refuse to apply Vick's Vapor Rub to my neck before games, but I was surprised at how much I enjoy the glow necklaces and bracelets, I think they're a lot of fun and I like how they come in cool neon colors."

The Brians are reportedly in negotiations with several abandoned warehouses - including the Cow Palace - about hosting their off-season banquet, which promises to be a raucous and stylish affair. Keep up the great work, Brians, PCHElle is watching you and we like what we're seeing.

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PLAYER PROFILE: DEALER SAM

Dealer Sam has ranked amongst the PCHL league leaders in Fashion Average (career .788) and On-Fashion Percentage (career .944) since his debut in 2011. He has played for Egypt '84 and The Mission Street Dealers, primarily as a Catcher. He hits in the middle of the lineup for average and at the very top of the lineup for style, innovation, and authenticity. I sat down with him recently early one morning at a chic 5th-wave Berkeley cafe to discuss some PCHL issues of the day:
 
Wow, Dealer Sam, it is a pleasure to get this chance to sit down and talk. You are widely considered to be one of the most Fashionable players in the PCHL, can you tell us a little about yourself and your Fashion Forward team, The Mission Street Dealers?

The Dealers have always been an image-conscious team. Our motto is, "If you can't win, be fabulous." We were the first in the league to have custom-made hats, unless you count the Nobles, which nobody does. Our logo is a mirrored version of the old Milwaukee Brewers logo, in which a lowercase "b" and "m" cradling a baseball are flipped to form an "m" and "d" cradling a pill. We have a sleeve patch that features a cartoon pitcher hurling syringes and pills over a stylized "KO" logo - The Knockout, our official sponsor. The theme, subtly expressed, is that we're drug dealers. A somewhat mysterious choice in that none of us have any connection with the supply side of the drug business, and we mostly just buy and smoke horrific amounts of weed. Our fierce yellow-and-blue uniforms are based on the San Diego Padres of the 1970s - same font and everything - because we always expected to be an obscure team that would be heckled by scanty crowds of bored surfers.

I myself was born in a toilet stall in The Odeon nightclub in New York City in 1986, the illegitimate biracial child of Grace Jones and Don Mattingly. My parents taught me only two things before they abandoned me on the doorstep of an upper-middle-class family in Menlo Park, CA at the age of eight: "never swing at the first pitch" and "never let anybody pigeonhole your sexuality."

Dealer Sam at a recent event in Oakland, which raised money and awareness for Fashion Education in Bay Area Schools. "One of my secrets to staying highly fashionable is staying connected to the youth culture," Sam notes. 

When you joined the PCHL did you find it difficult to learn the rules of baseball? Was it hard for you to tell your family and friends that you were playing in a baseball league?

I was already a baseball fanatic when I joined the PCHL, but my interest had more to do with fashion than any technical appreciation of the game itself. I loved the handsome, stoic avian who stared blankly from the Toronto Blue Jays' hats, and I loved the Cirque du Soilel boldness of the Montreal Expos' tricolore pinwheel hats. I basically just loved the Canadian teams' hats. Soon I learned that there are horribly arcane rules about balks and checked swings and other subjects I never wanted to learn about, and I stubbornly refused to do so. I have a pretty good grasp of the Infield Fly Rule, though. This is why I am considered a fair-to-middling umpire. 

In the backyard at Menlo Park, I used to take apples from our apple tree and whack them over the fence into the neighboring yard with a Glenallen Hill souvenir bat I got from a particularly lame promotion at Candlestick Park. The neighbors would huck them back and shout "WE ARE NOT YOUR COMPOST HEAP!" My dad would nod bemusedly and say, "Sam's going to be the next Darryl Strawberry." Then he would go into the house and fight with my stepmother while I ran around in circles on the lawn, pretending to be Brian Johnson after his famous home run against the Dodgers. Years later I approached my dad and told him I was the Kirt Manwaring of a beer league in San Francisco called the Pacific Coast Hardball League, and he told me to get a job.

Who are some of your favorite fashion icons within the PCHL?

As far as on-field fashions go: Dealer Jesse wears Doc Martens or motorcyle boots when he pitches, which conveys a certain reckless and sexy defiance of practicality and common sense. Woods from the Brians has been known to wear gorgeously hideous pants, but he seems to have toned it down recently, as the D.C. Brians angle for respectability. Charlie had the sleeves of his Nobles jersey removed by professional tailors, which has a trashy dago deliciousness to it. 29er Ray will sometimes rock a tidy turtleneck-and-flip-shades combo reminiscent of his favorite mid-'90s mediocre shortstop, Chris Gomez. Jameson Beers absolutely refuses to buy baseball pants, which I respect. But the all-time winnner is that one guy who played in one of our pickup games wearing a Brewers jersey and Padres hat. 

Off the field: Stu Beers perpetually looks like he's roping a skiff to a yacht. His look is fresh and clean and very classic Ralph Lauren. Charlie and Jamo Beers are walking billboards for an obscure UK 82 punk band called Chron Gen, which is cheap and easy and ecological, requiring only a marker and the cheapest denim. To be honest, I'm my own favorite PCHL fashion icon. Most of you people look horrible. I pioneered the cinched-at-the-waist jersey, the ascot, mascara, the lopsided '80s skater haircut, the pencil mustache, and not wearing shin guards when catching. I Lagerfelded the fuck out of this league. 

Having spent the day on a leisurely sail around the Bay, Stu Beers leaves the SF Marina Small Craft Harbor to hit the Marina bars with various Nobles and 29ers players. Stu is sporting 29er Ray's vintage Eddie Bauer button-down in anticipation of the #1 PCHL Spring 2015 Trend, wearing the clothes of your opponents.

I've spotted you and several other highly-visible PCHL players sporting the iconic "Oakland Beers Warm-Up T"  around the Bay Area in recent months. Can you confirm - yes or no - that publicly donning the uniforms/ephemera of opposing PCHL teams is, in fact, very IN at this point in time?

I'm glad you brought that up. Dressing up in other teams' uniforms is like wearing an ex-girlfriend's panties or tottering around the house in your mother's heels when she's away at work - it's a way to escape the prison of your own identity and, more importantly, get an erection. There are pictures of me squeezed into Dave Nobles' warm-up T (because it was funny) Danny Cleaners' jersey (because I'm afraid of him) and 29er Ray's jersey (because we have mutually enabling drug problems). I'm sure you'll dig those up. I also recently acquired a custom Oakland Beers shirt with a Palestinian flag motif. It seemed like a natural match; both factions are underfunded and underrated and I think the contents of Jamo's gun cabinet match whatever Hamas has got in its arsenal.

E.J. Brians on a photo shoot modeling the infamous "Oakland Beers Warm-Up T," further proof of the newest jersey-swapping trend.

Can you tell us about the Mission Street Dealers' Spring 2015 Line? I understand you guys are experimenting with wild variations of the maize and blue look, is that correct? And what's the deal with the halter tops?

We currently have no plans to introduce a gorgeous POWDER BLUE third jersey, so get that out of your head right now ;)

As for halter tops, I have one word for you: CELLULITE. 

The Mission Street Dealers' Hat: WOW. A lot of people are wondering how the best lid in the league came into existence. Enlighten us, Dealer Sam.

In our first year of existence (as Egypt '84) we had this guy from Milwaukee called Egypt '84 Craig. Our team already wore blue and yellow (I refuse to call it gold, as if yellow was something to be ashamed of) and Craig would show up in a very sensible blue-and-yellow vintage Brewers hat. Then Spoon got ahold of one (It's possible he lived in Milwaukee in the '80s. It's possible he did some of the things that were pinned on J. Dahmer, he's been around) and it became fashionable to wear a Brewers hat on Egypt '84. When Egypt '84 became the Mission Street Dealers, John noticed that the "MB" would form an "MD" if flipped, and the greatest hat in PCHL history was born.
 
Wow, that is fascinating. Can you please settle the score once and for all: The Mission Street Dealers are primarily inspired by:

A). The 1980's Milwaukee Brewers
B). The 1970's Seattle Mariners

I'm not going to answer that question.

Is it hard to play the game of baseball when you're out there trying to establish a perfect look, or set a new PCHL fashion trend?

It's the hardest thing in the world. It's comparable to watching your child die, or watching Elias "E.J." Brians try to stretch a home run into a double. Often I'll be so concerned that my cinched jersey is just the right level of "sassy" that Mitch Beers will strike me out three times in one game. But as Coco Chanel slept with various Nazis, we do what we have to do. 

This interview has been a-maize-ing but unfortunately I need to head off to do some shopping. It takes work to look this good!

Thank you so much for your time, Dealer Sam, and I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your season, I can't wait to see what you wear next!!

Sam and Charlie Beers enjoy a drink at a recent PCHL gathering. Sam wears his custom "Free Palestine" Oakland Beers workout T while Charlie wears his custom "Charles Hercules Beer" T.