BEERS CONTINUE DOMINANT OFF-SEASON WITH CELEBRITY SIGNINGS

From Durst To First: Fred Durst's Journey to the Big Leagues from Oakland Beers Baseball on Vimeo.

PCHL ANNOUNCES OFFICIAL LOGO ((UPDATED))

Multiple anonymous sources have confirmed that the Pacific Coast Hardball League is set to debut a new logo in anticipation of the 2015 PCHL Playoffs. The emblem will hereby be used on all uniforms, caps, and league-branded items. When reached for comment, representatives from the PCHL Web Development Office responded:

We are fully aware of the striking new image which - from this point forward - will represent our fine League. We cannot wait to upload this iconic logo to our League's Internet Website. With that said, CompuServe is a VERY flawed Webhost, and we continue to struggle with its dial-up online hosting services. We wish to assure PCHL fans that we will promptly rewrite the HTML code line-by-line to sufficiently position the PCHL's new Official logo upon our Internet Website. When our Web Work is completed Online, the new logo will appear prominently alongside important League statistics, such as 'Run Differential' and 'Wins.'

Dear PCHElle

Having a PCHL fashion crisis? Notice a hot new trend grabbing hold of the league? Not sure how to properly blouse your baseball pants? PCHElle can help. Email your questions, thoughts, and deepest PCHL fashion secrets to DearPCHElle@gmail.com

29ERS ANNOUNCE STUNNING NEW LINEUP

 29er Rickey fidgets with his iced coffee, cautiously scanning the cafe. It's 11 AM and the Mission is humming. Wearing a five-day shadow, the bedraggled manager asks no one in particular, "Is this one of those silent cafes or one of those goddamn startup incubator cafes? Goddamnit, bunch of idiots. I don't know if I should talk out loud or if I'm supposed to whisper. Bunch of clowns."

The mood is somber. The San Francisco 29ers have recently suffered a late-season loss to the Oakland Beers, prompting an unprecedented sequence of drastic roster shifts.

"You sign up for this shit and it's all smiles and pats-on-the-back," the skipper explains. "You think I wanted to send down 29er Mike? You think that was fun for me to do? That was not an easy decision. But it was a baseball decision. Listen, we are going to be facing some real live pitching in the next month; Jordan Beers with his slurve...E.J. Brians with his heater...you honestly think 29er Mike can hit those guys? Give me a break. I had to send him packing. He's a good kid...he'll land on his feet."

The 29ers' acquisition of Dealers Sam Bull stunned the PCHL last week. In a late and desperate playoff push, the perennial PCHL powerhouse handed over five highly-touted prospects and sizable cash considerations to the lowly Dealers for the rental cleanup hitter.

When reached for comment, Sam Bull responded via Twitter:

@Sportyspice1986: baseball been berry bery goo to me,..

In the trade, the Dealers also moved three position players to the 29ers from their AA affiliate, Orinda Girls' Night Out, of the East Bay Under-30 Gender Queer Wood-Bat League. The players include Short Stop Sam Bull, Catcher Sam Bull, and Right Fielder Sam Bull.

UPDATE 10:26 AM PT: 29er Rickey has resigned from Managerial Duties from the San Francisco 29ers. His representative provided a written statement:

I want to thank everything the 29er Organization has done for me and my family. I want to thank Rock Bar and Ray and Rolph and everyone else who has aided me on this incredible journey. It is one for which I am most grateful.

When I come home each night, I turn off my electric skateboard and set it in the threshold, alongside my helmet and wrist guards. I then walk to the bathroom, splash cold water on my face, and stare into the mirror. Often times - in those quiet, fleeting seconds - the great triumphs of the 29ers' storied franchise flash before my eyes. But last night was different. In a moment of clarity I realized that I am not the right person to manage this esteemed organization at this point in time. And it is for that reason that I hereby announce my formal resignation. And - in doing so - I'd like to introduce to you my good friend - and the new manager of the San Francisco 29ers - 29er Sam Bull.

When reached for comment, Sam Bull responded via Instagram:

@Sportyspice1986:

UPDATE: DEALER SAM ACCIDENTALLY EMERGES FROM HIBERNATION

Dealer Sam stirred from deep slumber

Dealer Sam accidentally emerged from his annual hibernation cycle last weekend, according to multiple reports. Upon realizing that the 2015 PCHL Season was still months away - and that his beloved Edmonton Oilers are the worst team in the NHL - the Mission Street Dealers' starting catcher groggily stumbled to Berkeley Bowl, where he purchased an entire Chinook salmon. While walking back to his Berkeley cave, he stopped briefly to scratch his back against a tree and was then seen tipping over a dumpster behind a McDonald's to forage for food scraps.

INTRODUCING: AMADO

Amado from Jason Maze on Vimeo.

BEERS ANNOUNCE UNPRECEDENTED FIRE SALE AMIDST FINANCIAL WOES

Former Beers Stu (Left) and Jordan (Right) in their new PCHL digs

The Oakland Beers have announced a stunning fire sale of talent as a result of what a team representative referred to as "major financial woes." The unnamed source elaborated:

It's not all finalized at this point...but let's just say we are going to be a much different squad next year. Things were going fine this season until Beer Gribble convinced a bunch of guys on the team to invest in his new confectionery, Gribble's Nibbles. The whole thing was a sham - your classic pyramid scheme - and he took off to the South Pacific with about 80% of our assets.

On the bright side of all this, the PCHL as a whole is going to get a lot more fashionable with all these Beers moving around the league. And the Beers are very excited about the young talent they've been acquiring, notably Noble "Lil C Murder" Crosby, who we got in exchange for Beer Jamo's arsenal of antique firearms, and Danny Cleaners, who we swapped for Dan Uggla, some bozo we recently picked up on waivers. Unfortunately we had to let go of Keenan "Triple Play" Beers because the Washington Generals put an offer on the table we couldn't refuse, two veteran small forwards and a journeyman point guard. We wish Keenan the best of luck, and we look forward to incorporating these Generals into our own unique culture of winning.