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29ERS ANNOUNCE STUNNING NEW LINEUP

 29er Rickey fidgets with his iced coffee, cautiously scanning the cafe. It's 11 AM and the Mission is humming. Wearing a five-day shadow, the bedraggled manager asks no one in particular, "Is this one of those silent cafes or one of those goddamn startup incubator cafes? Goddamnit, bunch of idiots. I don't know if I should talk out loud or if I'm supposed to whisper. Bunch of clowns."

The mood is somber. The San Francisco 29ers have recently suffered a late-season loss to the Oakland Beers, prompting an unprecedented sequence of drastic roster shifts.

"You sign up for this shit and it's all smiles and pats-on-the-back," the skipper explains. "You think I wanted to send down 29er Mike? You think that was fun for me to do? That was not an easy decision. But it was a baseball decision. Listen, we are going to be facing some real live pitching in the next month; Jordan Beers with his slurve...E.J. Brians with his heater...you honestly think 29er Mike can hit those guys? Give me a break. I had to send him packing. He's a good kid...he'll land on his feet."

The 29ers' acquisition of Dealers Sam Bull stunned the PCHL last week. In a late and desperate playoff push, the perennial PCHL powerhouse handed over five highly-touted prospects and sizable cash considerations to the lowly Dealers for the rental cleanup hitter.

When reached for comment, Sam Bull responded via Twitter:

@Sportyspice1986: baseball been berry bery goo to me,..

In the trade, the Dealers also moved three position players to the 29ers from their AA affiliate, Orinda Girls' Night Out, of the East Bay Under-30 Gender Queer Wood-Bat League. The players include Short Stop Sam Bull, Catcher Sam Bull, and Right Fielder Sam Bull.

UPDATE 10:26 AM PT: 29er Rickey has resigned from Managerial Duties from the San Francisco 29ers. His representative provided a written statement:

I want to thank everything the 29er Organization has done for me and my family. I want to thank Rock Bar and Ray and Rolph and everyone else who has aided me on this incredible journey. It is one for which I am most grateful.

When I come home each night, I turn off my electric skateboard and set it in the threshold, alongside my helmet and wrist guards. I then walk to the bathroom, splash cold water on my face, and stare into the mirror. Often times - in those quiet, fleeting seconds - the great triumphs of the 29ers' storied franchise flash before my eyes. But last night was different. In a moment of clarity I realized that I am not the right person to manage this esteemed organization at this point in time. And it is for that reason that I hereby announce my formal resignation. And - in doing so - I'd like to introduce to you my good friend - and the new manager of the San Francisco 29ers - 29er Sam Bull.

When reached for comment, Sam Bull responded via Instagram:

@Sportyspice1986: